Mida peaaegu iga naine varem või hiljem teada saab
Mees on asi, millega naisel tuleb harjuda hiljem või varem,
kuid varem on parem.
Ta kodukorrast midagi ei tea
ja aastapäevi meeles ka ei pea
ning kui on teinud suuri pahandusi,
siis arvab, et kõik korda teeb üks magus musi
ja kui ütled sa talle, miks ta tegu on nii õudsel kombel paha
ta muigab talumatul moel ja mõtleb üleolevalt: “küll ta varsti mul rahuneb maha!
Ta õlut joob ikka nii kulinal, et sassi läheb mõtteseos
ja kui sa tema poole vaatad, teeb ta näo kui märter tuleriidal ja justkui sinul tõrvik peos.
Ja kui on vaja käia 10 kilti, et minna kossu mängima, jääb tal jõudu üle;
ent kui kodus tuleks miskit kasulikku teha, avastab diivanisüle.
ja eks ta seal siis puhkagi;
ja räägib vaid, et naised muudkui liialdavad ega loogikast tea tuhkagi
ja iialgi ei taha ta üles tulla ega magama minna samal ajal kui sina,
küll aga sikutab enda poole lina
ja kui määrid näole kreemi või käib teine tavaprotseduur
ta ilmselt arvab, et sul on käsil musta maagia nõiaravikuur
Ning vapper-rahulikult võtab kõiki tõbesid, mis kallal isikul, keda tõotas kätel kanda
ent peaks tal endal korraks kinni jääma kõht või nina, kes näeb siis välja, nagu tuleks elu ohvriks anda?
Ja olles omavahel sinuga, peast pühitud tal kombed peened
ent kui on ümberringi rahvast, täis läheb lausa täkku
ja tirib sinu poole toolid, tuhatoosid klaasid, meened,
koogutades nii, et lööks tal küüned näkku.
Tõepoolest, mees on närvesöövalt veider elusaine,
ent Looja vigur nõnda seadnud on, et neist suurde ossa kiindunud on tema naine.
What Almost Every Woman Knows Sooner or Later
Husbands are things that wives have to get used to putting up with.
And with whom they breakfast with and sup with.
They interfere with the discipline of nurseries,
And forget anniversaries,
And when they have been particularly remiss
They think they can cure everything with a great big kiss,
And when you tell them about something awful they have done they just look unbearably patient and smile a superior smile,
And think, Oh she’ll get over it after a while.
And they always drink cocktails faster than they can assimilate them,
And if you look in their direction they act as if they were martyrs and you were trying to sacrifice, or immolate them,
And when it’s a question of walking five miles to play golf they are very energetic but if it’s doing anything useful around the house they are very lethargic,
And then they tell you that women are unreasonable and don’t know anything about logic,
And they never want to get up or go to bed at the same time as you do,
And when you perform some simple common or garden rite like putting cold cream on your face or applying a touch of lipstick they seem to think that you are up to some kind of black magic like a priestess of Voodoo.
And they are brave and calm and cool and collected about the ailments of the person they have promised to honor and cherish,
But the minute they get a sniffle or a stomachache of their own, why you’d think they were about to perish,
And when you are alone with them they ignore all the minor courtesies and as for airs and graces, they uttlerly lack them,
But when there are a lot of people around they hand you so many chairs and ashtrays and sandwiches and butter you with such bowings and scrapings that you want to smack them.
Husbands are indeed an irritating form of life,
And yet through some quirk of Providence most of them are really very deeply ensconced in the affection of their wife.